


This kid is not alright

by greykrakens



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, I can't believe I'm tagging a fic with that, M/M, Uncle/Niece Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-15
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2018-03-23 02:35:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3751174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greykrakens/pseuds/greykrakens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>5 times Theon walked in on Asha and Victarion + the one time Asha gets her revenge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This kid is not alright

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this when Ducky was sharing Asha/Vic head canons with me, so really, blame him. I feel slightly sorry for putting Theon through this. Sorry squid.

**1.** The first time it happens, Theon is desperate. He knows he should've learnt by now that no one will wash his clothes unless he does it himself, but to Theon Greyjoy, there is nothing more boring than laundry. For the tenth time that day, he wishes he could've had a normal family. A Robb family, where people actually care about each other and parents actually do their children's laundry. He sighs deeply before heading over to Asha's room. He knows that he shouldn't borrow his sister's clothes - is there anything more embarrassing? - but he truly is desperate and, though he'd never admit it, Asha actually has pretty good taste. 

He enters her room without knocking. After all, it's 7 am, and what on earth would she have to hide on a Tuesday morning? "Hey Asha, can I-" He goes silent when he sees what's in her bed, _who_ is in her bed. Victarion is taking up the bigger part of Asha's rather small bed, with Asha herself cuddled up against his naked body. When he sees Theon, he doesn't even say anything. He fucking growls, until Theon slowly backs out of the room and violently shuts the door behind him. 

**2.** Theon has tried to make the image of his sister naked in his uncle's arms disappear from his mind, he really has, but it just isn't working. And ever since, he's started noticing things. Like how Asha casually touches Victarion, and Theon can see that he actually blushes. Victarion Greyjoy, the biggest man Theon knows, his cold uncle, blushes. And his sister is the cause. 

_My family is beyond foul_ , he writes in a text to Robb, who refused to come to the Greyjoys' annual family gathering. He knows it's probably for the best, since every time he hangs out with Robb, his father is muttering in the background and Asha is constantly making sexual jokes, but he can't help but wish that Robb was here to save him. 

Waiting for a reply, he looks up from his phone to see that Euron, his other uncle, has noticed what's going on.  
"Do you want another beer, Vic?" Asha shouts as she's finally walking away from him, and Victarion just smiles and nods. Theon's jaw drops, because Victarion _hates_ being called Vic. He glances back at Euron who looks slightly amused and for once, Theon thinks that he really must be the only normal person left in this family. 

He realises that he's got to talk to Asha, so he goes after her into the kitchen.  
"What are you doing?" he asks her as she's taking two beers from the fridge.  
"Fetching beer."  
"Seriously?" He sighs. "What are you and Victarion doing?"  
"Oh, don't worry about that," she replies with a laugh, "it's just sexual."  
"But you're related!" Theon shrieks. This is too much. He throws his hands up and leaves the kitchen, leaves the building, to head over to Robb's house.  
_Turn the xbox on I'm heading over_ , he types. Before pressing send, he adds, _I really need to kill someone._

 **3.** Taking a shower shouldn't be dangerous, especially not in your own house, so when Theon enters the bathroom, he almost faints. There are two people in the shower and he can hear moans. His sister's moans. For a second, he just stands there paralysed, but when he hears his uncle half-moan, half-grunt Asha's name, he runs. This can't go on, he thinks.

He leaves a note on Asha's bed, on which he's written _Lock the fucking door!!_ Asha laughs when she reads it, because the angriness of the note is undermined by the squids at the borders of the paper. When she realises that Robb probably bought this paper for Theon, she laughs even harder. Theon has two weaknesses - sea life and a red headed Stark boy, and Asha knows exactly how to use this to her favour.

 **4.** It's 3 am, and Theon's awake. Awake and disgusted, because the sounds that are keeping him from sleeping are coming from Asha's room. He has a test tomorrow, a really fucking important one at that, and he's had enough. Without thinking, he stumbles out of bed and walks over to Asha's room, the cold floor stinging his barefoot feet, and pushes the door open.  
"It's 3 am!" he shouts. "Can you PLEASE stop?" He hasn't even considered the fact that Asha could be having sex with their uncle, so when he sees her on top of him, he shrieks. They're so into it that they don't even notice him at first, which means that he has to witness Asha riding Victarion with his hands on her hips for way too many seconds than he can handle. "Stop doing incest loudly in the middle of the night!" he cries out desperately, and they finally notice him. Victarion shouts a "get out" and Theon has never been so glad to follow his uncle's orders.

 **5.** His father is away for the weekend, doing god knows what, and while this makes Theon's life a lot easier, it also means that Asha doesn't even bother to hide her disgusting relationship. The thing that makes Theon finally lose it happens on a Sunday evening. He's been hanging out with Robb all day, which usually makes him feel better, but since spending the day at his house means that he also has to witness the Starks being cute and loving, Theon is already sick of families and affection when he gets home. 

Thinking that he might find peace in front of the tv, he heads to the living room with a cup of hot chocolate. Theon thinks that hot chocolate is the most Sansa thing you can possibly drink, but he shamelessly loves it. 

But when he enters the room and finds Victarion and Asha, he regrets the hot chocolate. Asha has her head resting in Victarion's lap and his hand is slowly caressing her collarbone and the sight makes Theon jump, resulting in him spilling the chocolate all over his white shirt. Asha looks up at him with an amused look on her face and Theon thinks that this is worse than all the times he's walked in on them being sexual together. She had told him over and over that it was just a sexual thing, and that's bad enough, but _this_? Asha and Victarion sitting there on the couch, not even kissing, just touching each other, is the worst thing Theon has ever witnessed.

He makes a disgusted face and heads to the bathroom, where he takes off the soaked shirt and tries to clean it, but cleaning has never been Theon's forte. Sighing, he realises that he will have to come up with a damn good explanation when he gives the shirt back to Robb.

 **+1.** Taking advantage of Balon's absence, Theon and Robb are sitting in Theon's room. Robb has initiated a "study group" to make Theon actually do his coursework. Theon glances over at Robb, who's biting his pencil as he tries to solve a particularly hard maths problem. He isn't bad at maths, but he never got the hang of geometry and it makes him really frustrated.  
"Fucking triangels", he mutters. 

Theon enjoys seeing this side of him and leans over to help him, accidentally placing his hand on his thigh. He removes it at once, trying to pretend that he didn't even notice, but Robb looks up at him, straight in the eye, before kissing him lightly on the mouth. 

Theon is speechless. This is Robb Stark, his best friend, although he's never been able to think of Robb as just that for years. "I'm so sorry," Robb starts mumbling, "I thought-" Theon interrupts him by kissing him, hard, and Robb makes a helpless noise that Theon can't help but laugh at.  
"You should do your work" Robb mumbles against his mouth.  
"I'd rather do you" he replies, hands running through Robb's hair. 

They're interrupted by a loud bang and a laugh, and Theon turns around to see Asha standing in the doorway.  
"I knew it!" she exclaims, before walking away, still laughing. Theon mumbles something about how she will pay, but really, he can't think of anything but Robb right now.


End file.
